Do you want to ask questions, send praise or
insult a fictional character? Sure, we all do,
and here's your chance! E-Mail us and tell us
what you think. Even if it's not very intelligent.

Hell, ESPECIALLY if it's not very intelligent.
Stupid people are so easy to make fun of
and we're lazy.

This weeks Letters
Column written by: Andy

Hi, this is Andy. The one who posts stuff on the angry naked pat message board. My nickname is DJ WackyPants. I may have typed something to you on the message board before. I probably said "Whats up, man?" or "Hey, nice poll" or "Dude, don't apologize, Hank The Angry Drunken Dwarf was not my dad". Today, I'm not here to chit chat, today I'm going to talk about all of the terrific and not so terrific movies that were released this summer. I basically put the movies into three categories, The hits, the misses and the ones that I couldn't afford to see because I spent my last 9 dollars on boneless buffalo strips at TGI Fridays.

Planet Of The Apes

Everyone that's seen Planet Of The Apes has been asking the same thing over and over again. Why does Marky Mark feel more love for the ugly ape than the beautiful young lady? I can get into a 3 hour discussion about this but after the first couple of words I realize that it's Marky Mark we're talking about here. Who the hell said anything about Marky Mark having good taste? Not only does he think "Good Vibrations" is rap music but he thinks it's good rap music. Some of you argue that that the pretty young lady ---

---has the personality of a head of lettuce and that the ape was a sweet, down to earth (or down to the planet of the apes or whatever planet they were supposed to be on), caring person, uh..ape, uh ape lady person. Who are we kidding? We are a bunch of shallow people....yeah, some alot more shallow than others but by how much? Will a hot, young beautiful lady go out with a fat, pimply man that looks like the spawn of Jaba The Hutt? No, that's not a rhetorical question, I'm honestly wondering....if so please email me at Andym@angrynakedpat.com.

I just leaped into the future to the year 2002 and didn't get any emails. Then I travelled to 2003 and I got a thousand sudden responses from hot, young beautiful girls all around the world. I forgot to mention, in 2003 Angry Naked Pat becomes a smash hit, we get millions of weekly hits and Brian Lynch buys me a Porche and gets me so much plastic surgery that I look like Ryan Phillipe. See? We're shallow.

Now, for an actual review of the movie. Where is Brian Quinn when you need him? I bow to thee. I don't wish to give this movie a proper review but I will compare the original to the remake. Let's put it in terms of sexiness. The original Planet Of The Apes is as good as the second picture is sexy. The remake of The Planet Of The Apes is as good as the first picture is sexy. So what have we all learned? That I like the remake much much better.

Bubble Boy

You want to know what's more fun than Bubble Boy? Blowing bubbles. If you love blowing bubbles, you wanna know what's more fun than Bubble Boy? Running out of bubbles. A movie that starts out "Hi, my name is Jimmy Livingston, my mom says when I was born I came gift wrapped from heaven" makes you think it's going to be a real winner. After that first line, it was all down hill. One line, ladies & gentlemen, one. It would have been so much better if that funny line was in the middle of the movie. Eight seconds of funny and then what seemed to be an eon of hellish, stupid, repetitive bubble jokes.

"HEY BUBBLE BOY, YOU ARE SO TRAPPED IN THAT BUBBLE, YOU CAN'T COME OUT OF IT BECAUSE YOU LIVE IN IT, BUBBLE-FOOL"

"YO YO BUBBLE BOY, WHAT DO YOU CALL IT WHEN YOU HAVE A TASTY SUPPER INSIDE YOUR HOME? BUBBLE YUM"

"HEY BUBBLE BOY, YOU SURE DO HAVE A SPARKLING PERSONALITY OR SOME COULD EVEN CALL IT "BUBBLY"

"DO YOU EVER GO TO NIGHTCLUBS? ISN'T IT HARD TO GET PASSED THE BOUNCER WEARING THAT?

"YO DISNEY, SUCK ON MY BUBBLE BALLS, WATCHING THIS MOVIE WAS THE WORST FUCKING THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME, OK, FINE, TIED FOR FIRST, BUT IT'S NOT MY UNCLE'S FAULT FOR SHOWING ME HOW MUCH HE CARES WITH HIS HANDS AND NOT WITH HIS HEART"

Well, alright, the last one wasn't in the movie, it's what I yelled at the screen but you get the gist of it.

This movie gets a "D" for "Don't see it, please oh please don't see it, I will live in a plastic bubble for the rest of my life if you just do me this one favor and do not see this movie"

Ghost World

I guess this movie falls under the "didn't get to see it because I spent all my blah blah on blah blah". I heard it was good from numerous peeps. I really didn't go because it looks like too good of a picture for my friends to want to see it. It doesn't have Leo Dicaprio on some tropical beach, naked, calling out Andy's name in it, so they don't wanna see it. Damn, I keep getting my dreams mixed up with movies I've seen.

Anyway, I wanna see this movie so badly, I even bought the comic book. The Comic book was great, pick it up. The trailer was excellent and I like the brunette's raspy voice. Give these people all of your money, all of it. No wait, not all of it, you have to save enough to buy a gun to shoot the writer & director of Bubble Boy. I haven't supported a movie this strongly that I've yet to see since Scottie Schwartz started making adult films. I'm going to share the strong feeling of anticipation with you by announcing my new comic that will debut on this here very site. It's called "Happy Simon: In The Buff" and to give you a little teaser, his favorite catch phrase is "Are you lookin' at my cartoon penis? Ya cartoon penis looka'"

That's all the time we have for today but I hope to see you guys back here next week for an all new special edition of The Male Sac written by Brian Lynch entitled "Boy Oh Boy Do I Ever Regret Letting Andy Take Over The Male Sac For A Week"