WEEK FOURTEEN:

Oooooooooooooooooh, it been too long. Monkey Man busy with his comic book mini-series MONKEY MAN ON THE MOON, and working on upcoming episodes of ANGRY NAKED PAT cartoon series.

On topic of cartoon series, it ABOUT FRIGGIN' TIME that Monkey Man brought in to liven things up. Have you SEEN cartoon? I'm betting no, but if you have you know what Monkey Man talking about. Oh, making fun Freddie Prinze Jr. He not easy target at all. That like picking retarded blind squirrel to hunt. What frig point that? Oh sure, you succeed in what you set out to do, but there no challenge to it at all. Way to go, sideburned pale man.

And Jim Morrison. Bravo. Very timely. How cutting edge. Monkey Man look forward to six part mini series where they finally show MOMMAS AND THE POPPAS what-for.

As for MONKEY MAN ON MOON, Monkey Man like the title except for ON THE MOON part. And it fun to go back and re-live experiences. Monkey Man walk on set of comic book, and it was like Monkey Man never left top-secret lab. If they give out Oscars for comic books available only on Web, then Monkey Man have to start pricing teal tuxedos now.

And now Monkey Man have forum dedicated to talking about nothing but Monkey Man. It be found HERE.

MONKEY MAN PIN UP GAL 1: CATHERINE BELL

It up since Monday but only have like four messages. Monkey Man no know why this is. Monkey Man think that millions fans clamor talk about Monkey Man. And this forum dedicated to talking ABOUT MONKEY MAN AND MONKEY MAN ONLY. Of course, if this like every other forum on intra-net, then topic slowly drift away from Monkey Man, start being about new Britney video or whether or not Green Goblin in Spider-Man movie look good, so maybe it good not many people go. Problem with most clubs is they not exclusive enough. They let anyone in. It sad.

Anyway, you go there and talk about Monkey Man if you want. Monkey Man be sure to respond to interesting things people post. If that ever happen.

First question for Monkey Man!

Dear Monkey Man,

The Brady Bunch or Diff'rent Strokes?

Wow, way to start off with grand-slam home run. Great question. Really, Monkey Man appreciate the fact that you take time off from important schedule to ask this, because not knowing which sitcom a genetically altered monkey with magic buttons likes best is keeping you up at night.

To answer your question, Monkey Man no like either. Monkey Man fan of another old show called KILL YOURSELF NOW. No remember? Yeah it about a guy who sends stupid questions into fake advice column about old timey TV shows. Every week would end with man listening to all his friends and killing himself and world being better place. Audience would shout out title of show as guy does himself in.

This followed by short lived but critically acclaimed spin-off called IN HEAVEN YOU CAN ASK DUMB QUESTIONS ALL YOU WANT AND THERE IS CABLE MODEMS FOR EVERY ANGEL THAT HAS KILLED HIMSELF. You should check it out, Monkey Man think it on TV Land.

Wow, it been months since Monkey Man answered questions, but it kinda like riding bike.

MONKEY MAN PIN UP GAL 2: GERI HALLIWELL-LYNCH

Second question for super smart Monkey Man.

Mr Man,

I'd like to know what your thoughts are on the following topics:

1)Monkey Porn
2)The View Askew message board
3)Star Wars

That is all.

Chris B

Wow. Monkey Man get cyber comic book mini series and KER PLOW RIGGA GOO GOO people treat Monkey Man with respect. "Mr. Man" will answer your questions, lowly worthless sycophant.

1. Monkey porn. Chris B, Mr. Man get so much ape poon he no have to watch porn.

If Monkey Man have metal claw for every big red baboon booty he rocked, when Monkey Man walk down street people go "FRIG THAT MONKEY HAVE MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF METAL CLAWS".

Of course, if Monkey man had millions and millions of metal claws, then he probably not get laid so much because he look all freaky and odd...

... and not get laid at all. Wait.

But if he not get laid at all, and metal claw for every time he get laid rule still in a effect, then he have NO METAL CLAWS and not freak and then he free to get laid.

But then if he DO get laid, he get metal claws. So then he a freak.

A freak who not get laid BECAUSE OF METAL CLAWS.

Fuck. Monkey Man make deal with devil on this "a metal claw for each time you get laid" thing. Monkey Man can't have sex because he get metal claw. Fuck fuck fuck.

Okay, wait, maybe Monkey Man can HAVE SEX, he just can't FINISH INSIDE WOMAN, lest that "metal claw" curse go into effect.

Monkey Man feel like Scott Valentine in MY DEMON LOVER. Frig that good movie.

MONKEY MAN PIN UP GAL 3 and 4: DUSTIN DIAMOND AND UNNAMED HOTTIE

2. View Askew Web Board. Monkey Man wiped from monkey porn question. Monkey Man keep it short. View Askew board good times, it half-full of people that are smart and funny. Monkey Man skip thier posts. The other half, the ones that really stupid and probably smelly that THINK they're smart and funny, Monkey Man addicted to reading them like a bastard addicted to internet things. Monkey Man could help them with his advice, but they probably no understand intemellectual words.

3. Star Wars. It like this. You see HOWARD THE DUCK? Yeah, that George Lucas too. He no write or direct it, but he oversee it. He look at script, take out giant red crayon and scribble "APPROOVUD" while tongue sticking out side of mouth. And if HOWARD THE DUCK called STAR WARS EPISODE EIGHT DUCK TIMES FOR ALL, it universally loved by hordes of virgins. You know how Monkey Man know this? It just as good as PHANTOM MENACE, except awful lead duck character not as bad as Jar Jar.

Third question for Mr. Man.

Dear Monkey Man,

Have you ever participated in a masturbation race while people watched on and made bets to see who'd cum first, or am I the only one?

Sincerely,

C.S. Caldwell

Monkey Man appreciate the "sincerely" at end of letter. It really class it up.

Hey Caldwell, there great new show on TV LAND, Monkey Man talk about it on answer to first question. You should check it out. Watch it religiously. Learn from it.

MONKEY MAN PIN UP GAL 5: JULES ASNER

Fourth question for disgusted yet strangely aroused by Monkey Man no act on it because of metal claw sex curse Monkey Man.

Why are there eyeballs on my M&M's?

Michael "Ripner" Engelbart
Access Orlando
Technical Support

Monkey Man think that maybe you're no eating M and M's. Monkey Man advice, don't think about it, just enjoy eyeballs. Monkey Man have much problem eating squirrel eyes when he have his first squirrel. Oh sure, rest of squirrel so damn good you try and ignore squishy eye part, any maybe Monkey Man could simply REMOVE eye ball, but that like getting great big birthday gift from God and not reading card that is attached.

Frig, that Monkey Man's best metaphor ever.

So Monkey Man learn to appreciate squirrel eyeballs, and you should too. Consider them sort of sorbet to enjoy after consumption of rest of rodent. It cleanse palette between squirrel main course and another squirrel dessert treat

MONKEY MAN PIN UP GAL 6: BRITNEY SPEARS

Fifth question for Monkey Man.

Since New Delhi is close by, can you hop over to Afghanistan and take out the Taliban and Al-Qeada? That'd save the good ole US of A from having to go in with ground troops, which might destabilize your part of the world.

If you decide to do so, please be particularly vicious. Thanks.

J. Selmoid Jones

Well, Monkey Man no longer live in New Delhi, but Monkey Man have friends there. And maybe, just maybe they sneak in and wreck shop. Monkey Man not promising anything, but see how Taliban deal with genetically altered animals who rise up and---

---wait, then they steal Monkey Man's thunder. "Oh, Monkey Man no longer America's sweetheart, he's kinda funny in a dumb internet advice column way, but did you SEE what that mutated woodchuck with the magnetized eye beams DID to the Taliban? Dude, Mutate-y the Woodchuck rules! In: Mutate-y the Woodchuck! Out: Monkey who---?"

Frig that. Monkey Man no let Mutate-y, if that is his name and Monkey Man bet it not because Monkey Man just made up character, steal his thunder. Monkey Man need the press! Monkey Man have bigtime comic book coming out in Spring, Monkey Man going to be cool ass bigtime Harry Potter with an edge!

So to answer your question, Monkey Man like vanilla ice cream the best.

MONKEY MAN PIN UP GAL 7: LUCIFER MCDOUGALSWORTH

And that wraps up all new edition of ASK MONKEY MAN. Monkey Man hope you learned a lot, and more importantly, Monkey Man hopes you realize Mutate-y the Woodchuck is probably the one who started entire anthrax scare and that you should hate him.

Take care, crazies. Monkey Man smell something in the air. That's the smell of crazy loser becoming less crazy WINNERS. And also sulfur. Frig, that can't be good.

Send your questions HERE. Monkey Man do his best to answer you.

And read Monkey Man's comic book HERE. Enjoy. There some nudity, but it tasteful. For the most part.

Peace, Monkey Man outty.